Keys to success...who am I kidding -

Keys to being a good mother are as follows:


1. Drink plenty of water (seriously its a good habit to have personally and for your children)
2. Drink plenty of coffee (seriously its such a good habit to have personally, for your mental state)
3. Get plenty of sleep...(can someone translate what that means for me?)
4. Eat healthy (don't find random things and throw it on a plate and call it dinner...scary)
5. Get that body moving (picking up toys = good abs, folding clothes = good arms...etc everyone has no excuse right!?!?!)


....


Who am I kidding? I drink whatever I can, I live on coffee (its one of the most basic of food groups), I don't sleep nearly enough but its the "season of life"...aka parenthood. I don't always eat healthy, I do always eat quick. I pick up toys and clean the house and run errands....but I don't actually run I drive because if I'm running you should be too (away from whatever is behind me!).




- you do you mama's! :)

Juggling it all...I'm not a freaking clown

Sometimes I feel like I'm the star of those weird circus freak's you pay extra to visit. The cow with 2 heads, or the lady with the longest neck...you get my picture. My life sometimes feels like a circus and I feel like the clown in the crazy outfit trying to juggle it all. From sun up to sun down I'm putting on some performance with my duties as the balls being tossed up in a round circle...except here lately I feel like I'm dropping them every few rotations. I'm not a clown but man sometimes life feels like it.

Total Opposite

This morning on the drive to school my little was in the backseat entertaining herself. I started thinking about our weekend, and the past few weeks and past few weekends. Trying to figure out exactly what I have going on so that I could be prepared with a generalized mental list of things to do, places to go, and goals I had. Then it hit me, when did it change? When did the norm change from simple to busy. Why is it so normal and common for our lives to be chocked full of things to do that we rarely get to have time to chill. It used to be a treat to go somewhere on the weekends, or a special outing to the store to get new clothes. Now, its a treat to stay home. WHEN DID THIS HAPPNEN? Are we scared that our kids are going to be board at home? Are we scared we will be board at home? Do we find out self worth in our busy? I know my busy will not stop today because I've had this epiphany but I may go through this weekend a little more conscious of it and try to find rest and solace in just being.

My village

The saying is very true..."It takes a village to raise a child" and I think I have a pretty great village.

I do not know what I would do without the help and support of family and friends. I am not typically open to help. I like to offer help, but I do not like to receive it. Somewhere along the way that became a sign of weakness for me. I don't know where it stems, I'm sure a few thousand dollars and a good shrink may be able to tell me, but alas, I don't have that or the time so I self diagnose.

One of the toughest lessons, but most important lessons (not the most important, but it does rank up there) I learned was to let others help. At first (and even now some) I felt like their offer to help was because they felt I was inadequate to do it on my own. The slip of a $20.00 bill meant I didn't have the funds to do or buy whatever. The offer to wash my kids clothes was because I didn't wash them myself. The offer to give my kid a bath before I picked her up, meant they didn't think I was going to give her a bath that night, or that I never gave her a bath. The request to go into the pantry and grab whatever we wanted and take it home, meant I didn't have enough groceries or food at my house (we have plenty I promise). It took me a LONG time and some serious soul searching to get to a place where I was comfortable with help. Then opened another can of worms. I didn't and don't want my friends and family to think now I expect it. So when they offered help in any capacity I would accept it but also stress that they did it only because they felt they had to and that they probably thought I expected it. Oh the internal struggle went on. And then, it hit me...no matter what anyone does or doesn't do I'm going to struggle with it to a degree. However, I have to realize that they don't do it because I expect it or because they feel bad for me...they do it because they love me and my little bug more than I will probably ever realize.

My village is awesome, they know how to help and when to help and they challenge me to be a better mom. A better daughter, sister, niece, aunt, cousin, friend, colleague...and without them I would not be able to do all that I do for my bug.

I rely a lot on my village, they are helping me raise my beautiful sassy spunky bug and for that I'm forever grateful!

routine...really???

If I have learned one thing I have learned that both me and my little one thrive on routine. If I have learned anything else it's that life is not routine.

Trying to balance life and routine is almost impossible. Things happen, plans change, plans are made...it just doesn't always work or fit. It almost seems impossible to have a real life routine, especially because its just me.

I have the hardest time being the all knowing all seeing all doing mom. I work a full time job, I have a part time online job, we have sports we are involved in and I have pick up and drop off for school and sports...the list goes on.

Despite knowing that there is no true hope right now, in our lives for routine I do not stop trying. I keep working towards a set bedtime every night, a set meal time every evening (all while trying to include more veggies and fruit), I still try to make sure play time happens...I don't give up. I know that life happens things come up but for her sake (and mine) I will fight it.

I may never have a perfect routine, shoot I may never have anything that resembles a routine...but I will choose to have a happy healthy daughter and a happy healthy mama! I will fight the rush and stress and pull for her sake and for our families sake. I know I can't do it all but I will fight to be her all.

Is it hard?

I was asked recently if it was hard to truly be a single mom. The answer is yes it is hard, however, there are a lot of things in life that are hard.

Being a parent both male and female no matter solo or coupled together it is hard. Each day brings a new challenge or battle or frustration...the list goes on. Each age brings new hurdles to cross and parents of girls...the E-M-O-T-I-O-N-S....they are very very very real and present even at a young age.

I can only speak for my situation as to what is hard and what is not. I was lucky that in the beginning it was not only me I had a LOT of support and help and for that I am very grateful. We did have some hiccups along the way that I think, had there been some extra help parent wise we could have avoided them or even resolved them a lot quicker. One thing I have learned is that I have to figure out how to handle situations best. In order to do that I have to think about what a mom and a dad would do. I of course, to get reference think about my parents and how they handled situations.

I'm still learning, and I think I will be learning for years to come, that each situation is different. Some need a gentle coax while others need a straight up fight. Some need some hugs and some needs to time apart. I have to learn what triggers cause meltdowns and I have to remind myself that even though I'm worn out, and doubting the decision I've just made that I can do this. Giving myself pep talks happens more than not. I imagine if I were in a dual parent relationship WE would be able to build each other up during those tough moments.

Those tough moments are the moments that really make single parenting hard. By no means are they the only thing that makes it hard or the biggest thing that makes it hard but it is something that dual parenting can defiantly help with.

Yes parenting is hard, we all know its hard. Raising tiny humans with very real feelings wants desires and dreams in a crazy world is hard. Raising kids alone is hard, raising kids together is hard... its all hard. BUT, it is the most enjoyable fulfilling thing I have ever done. I wouldn't trade any of it for a different life. I would enjoy a cleaner house from time to time, but even then the toys and the mess remind me that life has been there and love lives there.

Sweet nuggets

Being a single mom has some advantages. I get to have all the snuggles and cuddles and hugs and kisses!


I am one who shares my feelings towards little bug whenever I can. I want her to know, and NEVER doubt, that she is loved. I want her to feel how special she is to me and our family. I want her to know how talented I think she is and how smart she is. I want to make sure that she knows and never doubts my sentiments towards her.


What is extremely special is when she offers up "I love you" on her own. Or, when she says "you are the best mommy!" These sweet sentiments when unprompted but freely given are so precious to me. In that moment, whatever the context, she understands the feeling of love and she shares it.


I want her to always acknowledge her feelings both positive and negative. I of course, don't want her to dwell on the bad, but I want her to know those feelings when they come. It's from those negative/bad/icky feelings that we are able to embrace with fervor the good ones. I want her to focus on the good and embrace it.


I am amazed at how such a sweet little life can understand one of life's most complicated feelings.




Life is too short not to tell our loved one's exactly how we feel! Do it today, take a leap of faith and tell someone that you love them. Watch their eyes sparkled and their smile show up bright like the morning sun. It does the soul good.

Overcompensating

I know that my little bug is spoiled. I also know that it was not just me who aided and abetted in this either. My whole family does a great job of loving on and spoiling my girl. We also don't really apologize for what we do and give to her. She like most other smaller children have moments where we are able to teach her that getting and doing are privileges not rights. I promise that she is not given everything she wants but she is given everything she needs. However you can spoil a child in ways other than giving them physical possessions.

I have been slowly working towards a reward type of system in our house. When I say working towards I mean we do it occasionally I am not sticking with it completely. When I really want her to do a household item/chore I will give an incentive. If you do these small simple tasks to help me clean up I will give you ___________. She is young enough that I believe she needs to learn how to do simple house hold tasks but too young to receive an allowance regularly for those things. Honestly, I am not ready to give her set chores, I want her to hold on to innocence and childhood just a little longer. None the less I am taking a slower more "exciting" approach to this. On Tuesday evening I asked her if she wanted to help me with laundry. I had already separated the loads into piles in my room. All she had to do was get a pile and transport it from my room to the laundry room. I offered an incentive of 1 small toy from a local store for doing a few things around the house. When I realized she jumped on it and had it done in 2 seconds I knew I was going to get more out of my incentive than I originally bargained for.  So I had her loosely make up her bed, put all pillows where they belonged. Then I had her pick up every single toy in the living room and "fold" the blanket she had gotten out earlier that morning. I also had her set up the next pile of laundry so I could do a quick toss in the wash. She was super excited to help because that toy was waiting on her. After we finished our tasks we loaded up and we got her the small toy she wanted.

Then Thursday night my nephew who is 18 months was over. My sister ran out to get some food and I was in the middle of a work thing that required about 5 minutes of my time. So I asked my girl to keep an eye on him. Now, that meant that he didn't go wondering into the bathroom to play in the toilet or that he didn't go into my bedroom which is not really small child proof. It did NOT require her to "babysit" him. And my 5 minutes of work could have been much much less if I were alone. However I was keeping an eye on both of them as well while doing other things. (Its called being a mom/women and being able to multi task). After I asked her says to me: "So I get 2 toys for doing this right, I mean I am watching him and that is more work than chores." I was shocked but also found it humorous that she immediately laid out her terms for me. I said something on along the lines of heck no but I was super mommy cool about it and explained to her that we don't get toys for doing things all the time and that we do things out of the goodness of our hearts too.

Of course, knowing me I analyzed it to death later that night. Am I giving her too much, do I have enough boundaries on "things." Is she one of "those" kids...etc. Chances are yes, no, and yes again. But what it really stirred up was do I try to overcompensate? Yes I do it, I overcompensate.

Overcompensating is something I think ALL parents do in aspects of their children's lives. It probably stems from guilt (that ugly word again) but we do it. Sometimes I think I do it because I am a single mom. I don't want her to be without because she IS without. But, I know it is ultimately done out of love and the desire to make sure all her needs are met at all times. I want to make sure she never feel's as though she is without.

I admit it I'm guilty of it - it happens. My intentions are good...

Oh mom gult, you are so evil.

Wednesday morning I was getting my little bug ready for daycare. It's summer break, we finished Kindergarten in May and now we are in July. School starts back in August and we are already at the end of July. We really didn't go on many trips this summer, and we did not go on a single "summer vacation" expedition really. I have mom guilt over not being able to afford to take her somewhere fun or afford to take time off of work.

As I was getting her ready that morning she was dragging. She was not only dragging but she was whiney. Oh so whiney and borderline grumpy. She didn't want to get up, she was too cold, she didn't want to walk to the bathroom, but alas she had to pee. She didn't want to put on clothes because her pajama shirt was comfy and warm. She didn't want to wear pajamas to daycare but the act of changing clothes was just too much to contemplate. And I was rushing from one of the house to the other grabbing things I needed to remember to take with me along with getting ready it hit me. I remember stopping in my tracks (in front of the chest of drawers before entering the bathroom to make sure little bug was actually not destroying the bathroom but rather finishing up her morning business...she needs a vacation.

Realizing that we both probably could use a few days just the two of us outside of our home where we could both be free of schedule and routine and rush rush rush. I don't know any mom's who feel as though they don't need a vacation or a mini break from the hustle and bustle of daily life, so me feeling like I needed a vacation is a feeling I'm used to. However, thinking that my little bug needed a break before starting back to school was almost sobering. For me it was more than just a vacation, it was about a break in our crazy lives. She was upset because she probably went too hard the day before, probably went to sleep a little later than her body needed, and probably because she was getting up in the middle of good sleep to go to a place she really just didn't feel like going. Don't get me wrong she loves the daycare she is at but sometimes we all "just don't feel like it."

Then as I was standing there having these realizations it hit me square in the face...I can't make it happen. I can't provide what I feel she deserves (notice the word choice there. Needs was too strong I felt, because her needs are met in excess). I can't take off any time at work to just have a down day for her. I can't really think of anywhere around us I can use as a day trip or a quick hotel stay that would land us in a place of fun but relaxation. Our weekends are booked solid with things we've had planned for a while and events we need to go to until after school starts back. Now mind you, my little bug is a go getter. She likes to go, in fact she doesn't like to sit around and do nothing. But this is about MORE than doing nothing. This is about me thinking she needed some down time (where our schedule is more flexible) and not being able to drop everything and give it to her.

Then comes the doubt. I've already got the guilt now its doubt that has crept its crazy head up. I began to doubt if I was the right mom for her. If I was even a good mom. Was I enough, if my life was somehow different and the money issue wasn't there; or if the doubt of can I be all she needs by myself wasn't there am I enough for her? Will I always feel like I don't quite add up or that she got the short end of the stick with me? Is this really her life? Is this too much for her? Is this really what she is going to look back on and remember? What am I doing to her? The list of questions goes on and on.

Being a mom, whether in a relationship or not, is hard. Having feelings of guilt and doubt are very real. If we allow them to truly creep into our thought life we are opening ourselves up for some pretty hard and bad days. What I realized in those few short minutes of standing there contemplating heavy real things I realized I needed to snap out of it. I needed to quit doubting myself and I needed to quit feeling guilty. I needed to realize that this year alone I've taken her on my own dime to Disney World and that we have had a good summer. We have had lazy Saturday's and we will have more lazy days to come. Do I want to take a break with her and recharge YES! But, right now it is not in our cards.

So I extended her some grace for the ill behavior. Hugged her a little more than normal and realized that despite those moments of guilt and doubt she's one heck of a kid surviving this crazy world one day at a time!

This is not the vision I had

Through a series of events that I did not plan, but am thankful for, I became a single mama. It is not at all what I pictured my life to be like, look like, or feel like. I had this vision from such a young age of what my own family would look like when I got older. It would involve a nice house and each room filled with children. I would have a loving, supportive, hard working husband. I think for the most part a lot of us grew up with that idea. I don't think many (I'm sure there are a few) set out intentionally to be a single parent. None the less, more of us end up here than probably should, but for some of us it's the best scenario for our families. This journey is not for the faint of heart; Its hard, sometimes grueling but its the most rewarding thing I could ever do. Being a single parent.