Wednesday morning I was getting my little bug ready for daycare. It's summer break, we finished Kindergarten in May and now we are in July. School starts back in August and we are already at the end of July. We really didn't go on many trips this summer, and we did not go on a single "summer vacation" expedition really. I have mom guilt over not being able to afford to take her somewhere fun or afford to take time off of work.
As I was getting her ready that morning she was dragging. She was not only dragging but she was whiney. Oh so whiney and borderline grumpy. She didn't want to get up, she was too cold, she didn't want to walk to the bathroom, but alas she had to pee. She didn't want to put on clothes because her pajama shirt was comfy and warm. She didn't want to wear pajamas to daycare but the act of changing clothes was just too much to contemplate. And I was rushing from one of the house to the other grabbing things I needed to remember to take with me along with getting ready it hit me. I remember stopping in my tracks (in front of the chest of drawers before entering the bathroom to make sure little bug was actually not destroying the bathroom but rather finishing up her morning business...she needs a vacation.
Realizing that we both probably could use a few days just the two of us outside of our home where we could both be free of schedule and routine and rush rush rush. I don't know any mom's who feel as though they don't need a vacation or a mini break from the hustle and bustle of daily life, so me feeling like I needed a vacation is a feeling I'm used to. However, thinking that my little bug needed a break before starting back to school was almost sobering. For me it was more than just a vacation, it was about a break in our crazy lives. She was upset because she probably went too hard the day before, probably went to sleep a little later than her body needed, and probably because she was getting up in the middle of good sleep to go to a place she really just didn't feel like going. Don't get me wrong she loves the daycare she is at but sometimes we all "just don't feel like it."
Then as I was standing there having these realizations it hit me square in the face...I can't make it happen. I can't provide what I feel she deserves (notice the word choice there. Needs was too strong I felt, because her needs are met in excess). I can't take off any time at work to just have a down day for her. I can't really think of anywhere around us I can use as a day trip or a quick hotel stay that would land us in a place of fun but relaxation. Our weekends are booked solid with things we've had planned for a while and events we need to go to until after school starts back. Now mind you, my little bug is a go getter. She likes to go, in fact she doesn't like to sit around and do nothing. But this is about MORE than doing nothing. This is about me thinking she needed some down time (where our schedule is more flexible) and not being able to drop everything and give it to her.
Then comes the doubt. I've already got the guilt now its doubt that has crept its crazy head up. I began to doubt if I was the right mom for her. If I was even a good mom. Was I enough, if my life was somehow different and the money issue wasn't there; or if the doubt of can I be all she needs by myself wasn't there am I enough for her? Will I always feel like I don't quite add up or that she got the short end of the stick with me? Is this really her life? Is this too much for her? Is this really what she is going to look back on and remember? What am I doing to her? The list of questions goes on and on.
Being a mom, whether in a relationship or not, is hard. Having feelings of guilt and doubt are very real. If we allow them to truly creep into our thought life we are opening ourselves up for some pretty hard and bad days. What I realized in those few short minutes of standing there contemplating heavy real things I realized I needed to snap out of it. I needed to quit doubting myself and I needed to quit feeling guilty. I needed to realize that this year alone I've taken her on my own dime to Disney World and that we have had a good summer. We have had lazy Saturday's and we will have more lazy days to come. Do I want to take a break with her and recharge YES! But, right now it is not in our cards.
So I extended her some grace for the ill behavior. Hugged her a little more than normal and realized that despite those moments of guilt and doubt she's one heck of a kid surviving this crazy world one day at a time!
No comments:
Post a Comment