Overcompensating

I know that my little bug is spoiled. I also know that it was not just me who aided and abetted in this either. My whole family does a great job of loving on and spoiling my girl. We also don't really apologize for what we do and give to her. She like most other smaller children have moments where we are able to teach her that getting and doing are privileges not rights. I promise that she is not given everything she wants but she is given everything she needs. However you can spoil a child in ways other than giving them physical possessions.

I have been slowly working towards a reward type of system in our house. When I say working towards I mean we do it occasionally I am not sticking with it completely. When I really want her to do a household item/chore I will give an incentive. If you do these small simple tasks to help me clean up I will give you ___________. She is young enough that I believe she needs to learn how to do simple house hold tasks but too young to receive an allowance regularly for those things. Honestly, I am not ready to give her set chores, I want her to hold on to innocence and childhood just a little longer. None the less I am taking a slower more "exciting" approach to this. On Tuesday evening I asked her if she wanted to help me with laundry. I had already separated the loads into piles in my room. All she had to do was get a pile and transport it from my room to the laundry room. I offered an incentive of 1 small toy from a local store for doing a few things around the house. When I realized she jumped on it and had it done in 2 seconds I knew I was going to get more out of my incentive than I originally bargained for.  So I had her loosely make up her bed, put all pillows where they belonged. Then I had her pick up every single toy in the living room and "fold" the blanket she had gotten out earlier that morning. I also had her set up the next pile of laundry so I could do a quick toss in the wash. She was super excited to help because that toy was waiting on her. After we finished our tasks we loaded up and we got her the small toy she wanted.

Then Thursday night my nephew who is 18 months was over. My sister ran out to get some food and I was in the middle of a work thing that required about 5 minutes of my time. So I asked my girl to keep an eye on him. Now, that meant that he didn't go wondering into the bathroom to play in the toilet or that he didn't go into my bedroom which is not really small child proof. It did NOT require her to "babysit" him. And my 5 minutes of work could have been much much less if I were alone. However I was keeping an eye on both of them as well while doing other things. (Its called being a mom/women and being able to multi task). After I asked her says to me: "So I get 2 toys for doing this right, I mean I am watching him and that is more work than chores." I was shocked but also found it humorous that she immediately laid out her terms for me. I said something on along the lines of heck no but I was super mommy cool about it and explained to her that we don't get toys for doing things all the time and that we do things out of the goodness of our hearts too.

Of course, knowing me I analyzed it to death later that night. Am I giving her too much, do I have enough boundaries on "things." Is she one of "those" kids...etc. Chances are yes, no, and yes again. But what it really stirred up was do I try to overcompensate? Yes I do it, I overcompensate.

Overcompensating is something I think ALL parents do in aspects of their children's lives. It probably stems from guilt (that ugly word again) but we do it. Sometimes I think I do it because I am a single mom. I don't want her to be without because she IS without. But, I know it is ultimately done out of love and the desire to make sure all her needs are met at all times. I want to make sure she never feel's as though she is without.

I admit it I'm guilty of it - it happens. My intentions are good...

Oh mom gult, you are so evil.

Wednesday morning I was getting my little bug ready for daycare. It's summer break, we finished Kindergarten in May and now we are in July. School starts back in August and we are already at the end of July. We really didn't go on many trips this summer, and we did not go on a single "summer vacation" expedition really. I have mom guilt over not being able to afford to take her somewhere fun or afford to take time off of work.

As I was getting her ready that morning she was dragging. She was not only dragging but she was whiney. Oh so whiney and borderline grumpy. She didn't want to get up, she was too cold, she didn't want to walk to the bathroom, but alas she had to pee. She didn't want to put on clothes because her pajama shirt was comfy and warm. She didn't want to wear pajamas to daycare but the act of changing clothes was just too much to contemplate. And I was rushing from one of the house to the other grabbing things I needed to remember to take with me along with getting ready it hit me. I remember stopping in my tracks (in front of the chest of drawers before entering the bathroom to make sure little bug was actually not destroying the bathroom but rather finishing up her morning business...she needs a vacation.

Realizing that we both probably could use a few days just the two of us outside of our home where we could both be free of schedule and routine and rush rush rush. I don't know any mom's who feel as though they don't need a vacation or a mini break from the hustle and bustle of daily life, so me feeling like I needed a vacation is a feeling I'm used to. However, thinking that my little bug needed a break before starting back to school was almost sobering. For me it was more than just a vacation, it was about a break in our crazy lives. She was upset because she probably went too hard the day before, probably went to sleep a little later than her body needed, and probably because she was getting up in the middle of good sleep to go to a place she really just didn't feel like going. Don't get me wrong she loves the daycare she is at but sometimes we all "just don't feel like it."

Then as I was standing there having these realizations it hit me square in the face...I can't make it happen. I can't provide what I feel she deserves (notice the word choice there. Needs was too strong I felt, because her needs are met in excess). I can't take off any time at work to just have a down day for her. I can't really think of anywhere around us I can use as a day trip or a quick hotel stay that would land us in a place of fun but relaxation. Our weekends are booked solid with things we've had planned for a while and events we need to go to until after school starts back. Now mind you, my little bug is a go getter. She likes to go, in fact she doesn't like to sit around and do nothing. But this is about MORE than doing nothing. This is about me thinking she needed some down time (where our schedule is more flexible) and not being able to drop everything and give it to her.

Then comes the doubt. I've already got the guilt now its doubt that has crept its crazy head up. I began to doubt if I was the right mom for her. If I was even a good mom. Was I enough, if my life was somehow different and the money issue wasn't there; or if the doubt of can I be all she needs by myself wasn't there am I enough for her? Will I always feel like I don't quite add up or that she got the short end of the stick with me? Is this really her life? Is this too much for her? Is this really what she is going to look back on and remember? What am I doing to her? The list of questions goes on and on.

Being a mom, whether in a relationship or not, is hard. Having feelings of guilt and doubt are very real. If we allow them to truly creep into our thought life we are opening ourselves up for some pretty hard and bad days. What I realized in those few short minutes of standing there contemplating heavy real things I realized I needed to snap out of it. I needed to quit doubting myself and I needed to quit feeling guilty. I needed to realize that this year alone I've taken her on my own dime to Disney World and that we have had a good summer. We have had lazy Saturday's and we will have more lazy days to come. Do I want to take a break with her and recharge YES! But, right now it is not in our cards.

So I extended her some grace for the ill behavior. Hugged her a little more than normal and realized that despite those moments of guilt and doubt she's one heck of a kid surviving this crazy world one day at a time!

This is not the vision I had

Through a series of events that I did not plan, but am thankful for, I became a single mama. It is not at all what I pictured my life to be like, look like, or feel like. I had this vision from such a young age of what my own family would look like when I got older. It would involve a nice house and each room filled with children. I would have a loving, supportive, hard working husband. I think for the most part a lot of us grew up with that idea. I don't think many (I'm sure there are a few) set out intentionally to be a single parent. None the less, more of us end up here than probably should, but for some of us it's the best scenario for our families. This journey is not for the faint of heart; Its hard, sometimes grueling but its the most rewarding thing I could ever do. Being a single parent.